What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 06:54
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why don't some people like the 10 Commandments?
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When should I use the best sunscreen for oily skin?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
It was going to be , some day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But, we were locked up after school.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I think the readers, may guess!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He knew the spot.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
(And it was in our own minds.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My life is so biszare .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it wasn’t much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Put me off passion for life!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..